I started reading a book recently titled, "The Four Agreements". I have a friend who teaches classes at a local college about changing thinking patterns and she recommended this book to me. So far, I really like it.
One of the first things mentioned in the book is how so many of us live our lives out of fear. Here are a few points I really liked about fear that it mentions, "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive---the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."
It goes on to say that because we live our lives out of fear and try to create this illusion of perfection so that others will not reject us, we begin to loathe ourselves because we can never really be perfect. And because we loathe ourselves, we begin to abuse ourselves through guilt and shame. About abuse it states, "The limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."
I think this is a such an empowering concept. I know there have been times in my life that I have allowed myself to be abused by others with their words and when I reflect back on those times and where I was at mentally, I can see direct correlations between others' actions and what I thought about myself.
The one situation where I don't agree with this concept that is in the case of a child being abused by an adult. I don't believe they "allow" themselves to be abused because they are abusing themselves just as much or more in their own minds. Because, as a child, you don't have the choice (in most cases) to stay or leave the abusive situation. What do you think about this? Have you found this to be true in your life? Or do you think it's a bunch of crock?
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2 comments:
Great points about living our life in fear. I don't agree with what the book states about how we abuse ourselves more then anyone else. I agree with you about how children are helpless and unfortunately some of them are horribly abused.
I love the four agreements! I didn't realize that's what you're reading. Those agreements are used a lot in addiction and recovery work too. And what you quoted reminded me of the work I'm doing in my relationships/co-dependency group. That idea of living for other people instead of being committed to being in tune with how you feel and think and want in each moment. Tonight in my group we talked about the idea of disappearing when we're around other people...going into our head as a way of detaching from the people around us instead of showing up and being present, whatever that may look like. Good stuff to be aware of so you can live more fully. Fuck the fear Kate!!
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