The Four Agreements

I started reading a book recently titled, "The Four Agreements". I have a friend who teaches classes at a local college about changing thinking patterns and she recommended this book to me. So far, I really like it.

One of the first things mentioned in the book is how so many of us live our lives out of fear. Here are a few points I really liked about fear that it mentions, "Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive---the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands. We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else."

It goes on to say that because we live our lives out of fear and try to create this illusion of perfection so that others will not reject us, we begin to loathe ourselves because we can never really be perfect. And because we loathe ourselves, we begin to abuse ourselves through guilt and shame. About abuse it states, "The limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."

I think this is a such an empowering concept. I know there have been times in my life that I have allowed myself to be abused by others with their words and when I reflect back on those times and where I was at mentally, I can see direct correlations between others' actions and what I thought about myself.

The one situation where I don't agree with this concept that is in the case of a child being abused by an adult. I don't believe they "allow" themselves to be abused because they are abusing themselves just as much or more in their own minds. Because, as a child, you don't have the choice (in most cases) to stay or leave the abusive situation. What do you think about this? Have you found this to be true in your life? Or do you think it's a bunch of crock?

Since no one reads this blog anymore anyways...

I'm sure by now no one is reading this blog, so I've decided that makes it the perfect time to start writing my thoughts. So, this blog (for the time being) will be my unedited version of what I REALLY think (I just edited that sentence like five times). I know you've been waiting on pins and needles for the inner workings of my soul, so here you have it, in all it's glory....

A few months ago I was struggling with feeling like someone in my life didn't care to have a relationship with me. It hurt. It hurt because I respect this person a lot and think they are amazing. And it hurt to feel like this person didn't see the same value in me. I was reflecting on this situation when all of a sudden the words came into my mind, "they're doing the best they can". And instead of thinking about how hurt I felt about what they did or didn't do, I thought about all that they had on their plate at the time, and how busy their life was. And I realized, I was making this about me, but maybe it had nothing to do with me at all. Maybe it just had to do with where they were at and what they could give in that moment of time.

I'm listening to "The Book Thief" right now. In it, the narrator says, "And they did what humans do best, they made it about themselves." (Or something to that effect.) I wonder, how many times do I do that? How many times do I have encounters with those around me and they do something that I in turn make about myself, when really it has nothing to do with me. Maybe it has to do with them having a bad day at work, struggling with mental illness, dealing with infertility, or any other number of things. How much kinder, softer, more empathetic would my interactions with others be if I could see others as simply trying to do the best they can rather than choosing to make it into something about me? Because honestly, I think most of us are just trying to do the best we can....

So, here's to you-just keep doing your best. Because your best (and my best), are good enough. No matter what that best looks like. And I'm resolving to try a little harder to not make so many things about me.